Every once in a while, you may stumble upon a real character, a primo, a wise wise-cracker - like Walnut. He's posted a few blogs up and frankly, in my sense of "who's the man," this dude takes over - BIG TIME! Here's his about me:
About - By Walnut... Douglas Hoffman (D. - Dr D. - Doug - Walnut) "No, you may not breed with me, so stop asking."
No, it’s not attitude. It’s glare.
I find it a bit silly, writing an “about me” post when I regularly spill my deepest darkests on the blog. Read enough, and you’ll know everything about me (except for credit card numbers and mother’s maiden name — sorry!)
But if you’re just wondering who the hell I am, here’s the short form:
Father, husband, writer, smart-ass, and doctor.
Now we shall venture into the depths of this intelectual, high-minded, sarcastic & self-defined individual with a few of his quotes ...
"You know what I do more than anything else? I mean, as a simple percentage of time spent? I dig out ear wax. But that's not the messiest thing I do. I'm a PusBuster."2 fromThirteen Dreams:
"I owned a tiny brown bottle full of oil of wintergreen. When it comes to pus, oil of wintergreen is your best friend. Schmear a bit of it under your nose and everything smells wonderful, even gangrene. Well, maybe not gangrene. Somewhere along the way, I lost my little brown bottle."
"The earliest dream I can recall: a pixie lives in my closet, and she alerts me to her presence by playing on a tiny piano."MORE:
"I'm peeing, and I lose control of my aim. Soon, the ceiling and the walls are dripping in urine."
"Something strange is happening inside my head; the neurons are rearranging themselves, like one of those old mosaic puzzles where you had to scoot squares around in order to unscramble the choo-choo train. I'm becoming more political. Yeah, I've written political posts ..."
"The other day, my son asked my wife -- and I'm paraphrasing here, cuz I wasn't present for the discussion -- whether we were just watching the world go to hell, or whether we were trying to do something to change it."
"Closer, my succubus, and with my claw I will take the strap of your bikini top and tease it from your succulent frame. Then I shall lap at your breasts as if they were the finest imported mangos, teasing the nipples to raisin-like firmness. I’ll teach you the meaning of savage lizard love."
"I did have one addiction, schoolwork. I aced everything I touched. My one kernel of self-worth came from the knowledge that I was at the head of the pack. I earned this bit of self-esteem; I didn't have it foisted upon me by teachers eager to praise my every artistic, literary, or spoken turd. I clung to it like a life preserver, and in the end it did, indeed, save me."
"It’s good for hospital morale if the employees see their physicians (and soon to be chief-of-staff, I might add haughtily) use the emergency facilities. It fills them with confidence."
"All the attention baffled me until I saw the cover of People. Then I was like, 'Girls, girls, I’m a happily married man, although if you truly value my opinion of fruit, I am willing to check for ripeness.'" - November of 2005